How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Romantic Relationships

(Caption: A black and white image of two people holding hands | Source: Shelby Deeter, Unsplash)

Do you find yourself in the same relationship patterns, no matter how different your partner is?  Or perhaps you withdraw when things get too close, or you become anxious when your partner appears distant. These patterns may be part of an underlying issue—your attachment style.

Attachment theory, which has evolved over decades of research culminating in the work of people like Sue Johnson, investigates the emotional bonds we developed early in our lives and how they affect the way we connect with people as adults. In romantic relationships, these styles will guide the way you communicate, the way you maintain boundaries, and the way you feel safe, seen and cared for.

There are four primary adult attachment styles: secure, anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and fearful avoidant, also known as disorganized. All come with their own strengths and difficulties. It is common to have both a primary and secondary attachment style.

Those with a secure attachment generally find intimacy and independence comfortable. They can talk openly and work through conflict in healthy ways. This style is often the result of consistent and responsive caregiving in early life, which helps build trust in others.

Common amongst those with a more anxious pattern, is a strong desire for closeness and connection. They may fear being abandoned or not being enough, which may discourage them from expressing their needs or wants out of fear of being “too much”.  Individuals with this style like reassurance and can feel overwhelmed in conflict. Often highly attuned to their partner’s moods, they may overanalyze words or actions in search of hidden meanings, which can create doubt about the relationship. For instance, they may doubt that their partner loves them, while an avoidant partner might feel overwhelmed by that same attention. They may interpret their partner’s need for space as rejection. Unmentored, these forces can lead to miscommunication, emotional disconnection and conflict without healthy repair.

Many of those with an avoidant/dismissive style value their independence and may have difficulty forming emotional bonds, speaking in emotional language and also struggle with communicating in times of conflict and stress. While they may appear self-sufficient, underneath, they often struggle with vulnerability and fear of dependency, but it does not necessarily mean an absence of a desire for connection.  Fearful avoidant or disorganized  attachment is often born of trauma or inconsistent caregiving and can manifest as intense with a desire for, closeness but wanting to avoid it simultaneously. These individuals may crave connection but fear it, leading to confusion and inner conflict in romantic relationships.

Bear in mind that no attachment style is “bad.” Each one is a reaction to our early life experiences and has served to help us adapt earlier in life and were protective in some way The trick is noticing your patterns to see what influences your relationships and how best to identify your needs, rather than defining yourself or your partner by your attachment style.Compatibility is not just about shared interests or values, it’s about how your nervous systems interact. Is your partner seeing you, hearing you, and making you feel safe? Do your communication patterns support or sabotage your connection?Are you able to regulate your own nervous system when these doubts and fears set in or only feel calm once you hear from your partner again? With awareness comes opportunities to understand each other’s capacity, deeply attune to each other’s needs and foster emotional safety in a romantic relationship.

All attachment styles are welcome at Inner Mind Counselling & Psychotherapy. Whether you’re wading through dating, working through relationship dynamics, a break up or just interested in your own patterns, awareness of your attachment style is a good first step toward forming healthy connections. 

Do you want to learn more about how your attachment type could be affecting the way you relate to others? Book a free call with us today, and take the first step toward your more connected, secure love.